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Have a laugh Thread...... Clean Family jokes only as per rules please

Discussion in 'The Family Room' started by AussiePhil, Mar 5, 2012.

  1. AussiePhil

    AussiePhil Dedicated Elf Administrator

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    Any Post deemed offensive in the view of a moderator will be removed immediately......

    Now on to the first one........

    -------------------------------

    You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

    If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

    COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

    ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

    COSTELLO:
    Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

    ABBOTT:
    Mac?

    COSTELLO:
    No, the name's Lou.

    ABBOTT:
    Your computer?

    COSTELLO
    : I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

    ABBOTT:
    Mac?

    COSTELLO:
    I told you, my name's Lou.

    ABBOTT:
    What about Windows?

    COSTELLO:
    Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

    ABBOTT:
    Do you want a computer with Windows?

    COSTELLO:
    I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

    ABBOTT:
    Wallpaper.

    COSTELLO:
    Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

    ABBOTT:
    Software for Windows?

    COSTELLO:
    No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

    ABBOTT:
    Office.

    COSTELLO:
    Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

    ABBOTT:
    I just did.

    COSTELLO:
    You just did what?

    ABBOTT:
    Recommend something.

    COSTELLO:
    You recommended something?

    ABBOTT:
    Yes.

    COSTELLO:
    For my office?

    ABBOTT:
    Yes.

    COSTELLO:
    OK, what did you recommend for my office?

    ABBOTT:
    Office.

    COSTELLO:
    Yes, for my office!

    ABBOTT:
    I recommend Office with Windows.

    COSTELLO:
    I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

    ABBOTT:
    Word.

    COSTELLO:
    What word?

    ABBOTT:
    Word in Office.

    COSTELLO:
    The only word in office is office.

    ABBOTT:
    The Word in Office for Windows.

    COSTELLO:
    Which word in office for windows?

    ABBOTT:
    The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

    COSTELLO:
    I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

    ABBOTT:
    Money.

    COSTELLO:
    That's right. What do you have?

    ABBOTT:
    Money.

    COSTELLO:
    I need money to track my money?

    ABBOTT:
    It comes bundled with your computer.

    COSTELLO:
    What's bundled with my computer?

    ABBOTT:
    Money.

    COSTELLO:
    Money comes with my computer?

    ABBOTT:
    Yes. No extra charge.

    COSTELLO:
    I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

    ABBOTT:
    One copy.

    COSTELLO:
    Isn't it illegal to copy money?

    ABBOTT:
    Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

    COSTELLO:
    They can give you a license to copy money?

    ABBOTT:
    Why not? THEY OWN IT!

    (A few days later)

    ABBOTT:
    Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

    COSTELLO:
    How do I turn my computer off?

    ABBOTT:
    Click on 'START'.............

     
  2. ԆцряєсϮ

    ԆцряєсϮ Senior Elf

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    After Nigeria was eliminated from the World Cup, the Nigerian goalkeeper personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans who had travelled to South Africa......................................

    He said he just needs their bank details and PINs to complete the transaction. :eek:
     
  3. grahami2006

    grahami2006 Full Time Elf

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    An oldie but goodie.
    This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.

    He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day.

    "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead.

    And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"


    She hears a voice over the radio saying:

    "This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.

    Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."


    She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."


    "O.K." says the voice on the radio "Repeat after me: Our Father. . . Who art in Heaven. . . .."
     
  4. fathead45

    fathead45 Fiedler Christmas

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    Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness where they managed to bag two big Bull Moose.

    As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could only take the hunters, their gear and one Moose.

    The hunters strongly objected saying: "Last year we shot two and the pilot let us take them both...and he had the exact same airplane as yours!"

    Reluctantly, the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, gave in and everything was loaded.

    However, even under full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down, crashing in the wooded wilderness.

    Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing and sleeping bags, Stosh and Stan survived the crash.

    After climbing out of the wreckage, Stosh asked Stan: "Any idea where we are?"

    Stan replied: "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year!"
    [/color]
     
  5. ԆцряєсϮ

    ԆцряєсϮ Senior Elf

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    Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
    The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologise. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.


    'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
    She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?


    Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!
    :eek:
     
  6. DeeJai

    DeeJai Is that Magic Smoke?!?

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    As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's funeral a voice from inside screams:

    "I'm not dead, I'm not dead! Let me out!!!"

    The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters:

    "Too late pal, the paperwork’s already done"
     
  7. Superman

    Superman I Have C.L.A.P and its very infectious Global Moderator

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    Some will find this very Offensive.






    [​IMG]
     
  8. Benschristmaslights

    Benschristmaslights Dedicated Elf Global Moderator Generous Elf

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    how rude lets hope that changes this year.
     
  9. fasteddy

    fasteddy I have C.L.A.P Global Moderator Generous Elf

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    I find it very strange that the pick up is in Queensland, maybe its the Queenslanders getting ready for a thrashing. :D or maybe they need a bigger trophy cabinet :eek:
     
  10. smartalec

    smartalec Im a SmartAlec what can i say! Community Project Designer

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    A wife treats hubby by taking him to a Strip Club for his birthday...At The Club, The Doorman Says, "Hi Jim, How are You?"
    The wife asks, "How does he know you?
    Jim says, "Oh dear, I play football with him."
    Inside the Bartender Says, "The Usual, Jim?"
    Jim says to Wife, "Before you say anything, He's on the Darts Team."
    Next a stripper Says, "Hi Jim! Do You Crave the Special Again??"
    The Wife storms out dragging Jim with her & jumps into a taxi...
    The Taxi driver Says, "Hey Jimmy Boy! You picked up an ugly one this time...."
    Jim's Funeral is on Sunday!!!!
     
  11. Superman

    Superman I Have C.L.A.P and its very infectious Global Moderator

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  12. JPB

    JPB Full Time Elf

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    Pack it carefully Steve, we are picking it up and bringing it home in a couple of weeks.

    Jon
     
  13. Kaden

    Kaden Pixels! I need more pixels!

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    Hey Steve, has Jon come to pick up his empty Trophy Display Cabinet yet?
     
  14. DeeJai

    DeeJai Is that Magic Smoke?!?

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    FATHER BUYS A LIE DETECTOR ROBOT
    WHICH SLAPS PEOPLE WHEN THEY LIE

    He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
    The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
    The robot slaps the son. The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
    Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
    Son says, "Toy Story."
    The robot slaps the son.
    Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching pr0n."
    Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what pr0n was."
    The robot slaps the father.
    Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
    The robot slaps the mother.

    Robot for sale.
     

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